I’ve vacillated multiple times about whether I should share what I’m about to share. Ultimately, I decided to talk about this part of my journey as it unfolds. And include all of its hard, embarrassing, jaw-dropping nuggets of truth.
So here goes… Three days ago, a doctor found a mass on my cervix. Not a small, strain-to-see kind of mass, but rather a mass that made itself known immediately. What led me to the doctor’s office wasn’t a list of symptoms or a feeling that I might have something wrong with my cervix. It was a fear that a tampon had gotten “lost.” I didn’t really have any proof other than the occasional sensation that something felt off. Even though we women don’t talk about it openly, the accidental lost tampon is something that has happened to countless women. After I finally realized I needed a professional to step in, I donned my cloak of shame and jumped in the car next to Scott. When I got to Planned Parenthood, because I couldn’t get into my regular OBGYN clinic, I sheepishly told them what I thought was happening. The front office person didn’t seem phased at all. Still, I felt pretty embarrassed by it all. While waiting for the doctor to come in, I sat perched on the exam table thinking about how much I HATED these types of appointments, and how much I wished my husband could have been in the room with me. He's normally by my side holding my hand because he knows how hard it is from me as a sexual abuse survivor. Because of COVID, he wasn’t allowed in, so he waited in the car. The doctor and nurse team made me feel a little more comfortable by telling me that what I thought I’d done is pretty common. I also warned them that I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor which makes me, even at the age of 47, want to run from OBGYN visits. They talked me through what they were doing up until the room went silent. I instantly knew something was wrong. After a minute or so, the doctor spoke. “Kiersten, I do not see a tampon…but I do see a mass on your cervix.” I was rendered speechless just before the tell-tale signs that I was going to pass out moved through my body. I did my best not to faint while she continued to poke around. The pain I felt from the exam wasn’t helping; the room started to spin. After asking if I was okay, she continued, “In addition to the mass I see, a normal cervix is supposed to be spongy when pressed on but yours is hard. You need to get to your gynecologist right away. Do you have a history of cancer or cervical cancer in your family?” As I gathered the strength to sit up and answer her now that she was done with the exam, I immediately regretted it. “I need to lie back down…I think I’m going to pass out.” She comforted me as I did my best to stay conscious. After a few minutes, the world stopped spinning and I was able to answer her question. “Yes, many in my family have had cancer. My mom has had breast cancer twice, and I remember that she also had a hysterectomy due to pre-cancerous cells. My dad survived a rare form of eye cancer 20 years ago….” And then it hit me. My grandma. Oh my god, my Grandma Pennington came to me in spirit a month ago and just stood by my side of the bed. She didn’t say a word but I could feel a sense of protection and warning. I naively thought it was about staying COVID-free and didn’t press her for more because I was dog tired that night. When Grandma was in her late twenties, she had her cervix removed. I relayed the bit about Grandma to the doctor and she reiterated that she’d be writing up a referral for me to be seen by my clinic ASAP. Her expression spoke volumes showing me that she knew exactly what I was likely facing. I had already told her that the man I was with while Scott and I were separated had, according to my primary doctor, given me HPV since it had never showed up on my tests prior to him coming into my life. In all my years, I’d only had one irregular pap after Scott and I got back together. And it culminated in a coloscopy. The results came back in 2017 as normal. I was okay, according to my gynecologist. And now, three years later, I'm not okay. What hit me like a ton of bricks wasn’t the realization that the HPV was likely the cause of this mass, but rather a memory of a message from one of my guides in spirit (Jason) that happened back in September of 2020. He told me that I needed to put my manuscript away (even though my literary agent was still shopping it with publishers) because I would be adding to it in 2021 before I’d land a book deal. I didn’t know what he was talking about regarding what else I’d add. Nor did I want to believe that he was right about having to wait longer for publishing contract. I’d hoped that one would come by the end of 2020 but it never did. This. This was what I was supposed to write about. While this revelation didn’t quell my fear of cancer, it did explain what Jason meant four months ago. After making an appointment for next week with my regular clinic, I dove down the rabbit hole of Google. And I almost threw up before closing my laptop. Immediately after, I picked up my phone to relay the news to my dear friend (and fellow psychic medium) Cynthia Spiece. She calmed my fear when she immediately started channeling both my Grandma Pennington and Jason. Both had messages for me about why this was happening. And why the mass is here to help me rather than hurt me. In a nutshell, they said that the sexual trauma I endured at the hands of two sexual predators (one when I was 5 and one when I was 40) had led to unresolved trauma that was stuck in my pelvic region. I am no stranger to gynecological issues having been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome years ago, but I hadn’t really thought about the fact that I’ve quite literally been carrying the scars of the trauma I endured (and the disease I got from the second predator) in my pelvis. Every minute of every day. And now, I’m finally at the point where I can heal the unresolved trauma by removing those parts from my body. I’ll know more next week but given my family history and my personal health history, I will likely undergo a radical hysterectomy as well as have my cervix removed. “You will be okay, Kiers. You were guided to find this right now,” Jason reassured me. “It’s the final piece of healing and the final piece that needs to be added to your book.” Hearing Cynthia and other trusted intuitive mediums relay the same message was calming to say the least. The “phantom tampon” (as my agent calls it) was indeed guiding me to see a professional when I did. Before Cynthia and I hung up, I asked her one more question about the doc I will see next week. You see, he’s a man and I haven’t seen a male gynecologist since Grace was born. I was nervous about seeing a male doc given my history of abuse but he was the only one who could fit me into his schedule. “Kiers, you actually NEED a man to help spearhead your physical healing. A caring man who is the farthest thing from a predator that will finally help rid you of the trauma. Do you see how full circle this is?” I knew she was right because as I stood there listening to her, tears streamed down my face. Full circle healing, indeed. Turns out, I like this new doc already. He's allowing Scott to accompany me to the appointment next week—something they aren't letting anyone else do. Because I told them I am a sexual abuse survivor, he recognizes how important it is that I have my husband by my side during the exam. I’m sharing this experience on my blog because one in four women is sexually abused in her lifetime. And many of us, myself included, don’t connect trauma to physical ailments that arise long after the abuse is over. I will be sure to keep you in the loop over the next few weeks. In the meantime, if you are a sexual abuse survivor who is dealing with issues in the pelvic region/kidneys/bladder, etc, I hope you’ll think about my story and possibly find it helpful as you move through the stages of healing. Also, once again, spirit came in to help me understand the next chapter in my healing journey. And the final chapter in my book. --- **Thank you to Cynthia Spiece, Steph Arnold, Egan Griffith, Yvette Godfrey for passing intuitive messages to me and keeping me sane through this, and thank you to my friends and family who are being so incredibly supportive and loving. ***To those of you who read my blog and are survivors of abuse at the hands of my uncle (or any pedophile) as well as the man I was with from 2014-2017 who turned out to be a predator in his own right, please consider that if you're having physical issues in your pelvic region that you might want to check out the New York Times Bestseller, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. And of course, you can always reach out to me privately.
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I'm late to this fantastic book. It was published in 2013 but it's taken seven years, and a random trip to a bookstore in Sedona to get my hands on it. I felt very guided to pick it up the minute I found it tucked away on the bookshelf. And I'm so glad I did.
Annie Kagan penned a book about how her deceased brother started sharing messages with her from the other side. His life was riddled with hardship, addiction, triumphs, helping others, and more addiction. Not surprisingly, he was judged very harshly by others for his choices in life. But here's the thing...what if he chose an outline for his life that included many of those experiences? This is something I hear from spirit all the time. I have even been told this (by spirit) about my own life and the path I've traveled thus far. The minute I opened the cover to Annie's book, I instantly related to so much to what Billy shared with his sister, i.e., all of the proof he showed her in order for her to believe she was really hearing him to his messages about why we are here on earth. And just how much we forget when we come into the world. I want to share a few passages from the book because they are almost identical to what I've heard from spirit (young and old) since coming into my mediumship gifts eleven years ago. Talking to his sister, Annie, Billy says: "....We signed up to do this dance together before we were born. We weren't acting out some type of I-did-something-wrong-to-you-in-another-life-and-I'm-paying-for-it-now concept of an eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. Karmic equalizing of the score isn't the real deal, at least not where I am. It's more a kind of experiment chosen for soul-type reasons that humans have an almost impossible time understanding. And not understanding is an important part of the experiment. If people knew the workings of the experiment, it would lose some of its punch, and that losing of punch, well, that's a little bit of what enlightenment is all about." AND "I was done with my life, Annie. I paid my debt, although it's not what we usually think of as payment. It wasn't some price for my so-called sins. It was more a learning thing. How do I know my life wasn't some punishment for my past transgressions? Well, because there's no such thing. You're not on earth to be punished. It's not about sin and punishment. That's a human concept. Something man made up. Humans make up stuff and then they believe it.... Pain is just part of the human experience, as natural as breath or eyesight or blood moving through your veins. Pain is part of the earth deal, so don't be overly concerned about it. Although I admit I wasn't exactly fond of pain myself. And how do I know all this? Honestly, I don't know. All of a sudden I know a bunch of things I didn't know when I was alive. When you're born, you pop out, that big pop gives you a kind of amnesia. One of the main things we're doing when we're alive is trying to remember the things we forgot. There's a different kind of knowledge here. You're really understood, and what a relief that is. So many problems in life come from not being understood or known. People on earth sometimes get glimpses of each other's souls, like when they fall in love. The difference is, here, I am my soul. I'm still Billy but without the body." There's so much to this wonderful book that mimics my own experience as a late-in-life medium in both what Annie endures and what Billy shares. In fact, a few months ago (prior to reading Annie's book), I wrote this at the end of my upcoming memoir: "I see soul purpose around the abuse I endured, too. I could have stayed angry with my uncle and Tony for the rest of my life, but what if there’s a bigger picture I just can’t see? Now, I’m not saying I did anything to deserve what my uncle did—I was a young child who was preyed on by a predator. But what if, as Jason said, some of the things in my life, like meeting Tony, were planned before I took my first breath? What if my soul chose specific experiences to endure, learn from, heal, and then ultimately help others through? What if all of the people in my life are playing roles for a greater purpose? If the answer to all of these questions is yes, then I can only be grateful for the healing journey. And grateful for the cast of players who helped me and continue to help me live out my soul purpose. It doesn’t mean I condone abusive behavior by any means, nor does it mean I believe I deserved what happened to me as a child and as an adult. I also know that the men who abused me didn’t deserve to be treated the way they were when they were young. They, too, were forced into the cycle of abuse and, thus far, have not been able to break free in all areas of their lives. That’s their choice and journey." Learning about life purpose and life struggles from those who have already passed on has been such a gift. Just like The Afterlife of Billy Fingers is a gift. For anyone wanting to learn more about why we are here and what happens after we leave our bodies, I highly recommend picking up Annie's book. It just might change your perspective on everything. https://www.afterlifeofbillyfingers.com FOREWARD FOR MY UPCOMING BOOK
Spending most of my adult life as a detective, private investigator, or supervising investigations, both in public service as a Detective in the NYPD, and then successively in the private sector working cases nationwide, I unconsciously developed a sixth sense or implicit intuition for reading people and uncovering the truth. While most police detectives and professional investigators I know and have worked with will not openly speak about or admit using their silent intuition to solve cases, it’s succinctly presumed by all that following our gut-feelings often makes the difference in discovering hidden evidence to solve a case, or in certain extreme circumstances, may even prove to be the decision that will inevitably save your life or that of your partner. I strongly believe that developing the ability to listen, understand, trust and then follow my intuitions has definitively made me a better detective, and quite possibly resulted in many of my greatest successes and accomplishments as a police detective, and more recently as a private investigator. Thinking back to before we had the opportunity to speak on the phone, I remember asking myself, “What is this furniture company CEO from Arizona doing volunteering to assist on a high-profile missing persons case in Long Island, New York?” That being said, when I finally had the chance to speak to Kiersten on the phone for the first time, my intuition kicked into full gear. Much to my surprise, not long into our conversation, I realized that Kiersten was unlike any other intuitive medium I had spoken to through the years. She explained to me that she had recently discovered that she possessed certain abilities that might assist investigators in finding missing persons, and that she was simply looking to volunteer her time because she cared and just wanted to help. I eventually came to understand, as time went on and I got to know Kiersten personally, that she had truly been given a gift for helping others in this way . . . especially kids. More precisely, what I love about Kiersten, as is illustrated in her book, is that she’s just a regular person thrown into supernatural experiences that unbeknownst to her at that time, had meaning far beyond what she could see as the events were transpiring. The belief in what we can’t see, especially as a detective looking for quantifiable, tangible evidence, is extremely difficult. However, Kiersten makes it easy to believe. In her moving story and journey, we can see that she is just like most of us; she is extremely logical and fact driven. The most amazing part of her journey is that she wasn’t looking for any of what has happened to her . . . it simply found her. Thankfully, in writing this book, Kiersten was brave enough to share her undercover life as a reluctant medium and her amazing journey of survival and healing from abuse. After reading her book, I hope you find the same strength and fearlessness as she has and you learn to trust your own intuition. What Kiersten reveals to all of us is a hands-on roadmap for life, and as it has proven to be in my personal experience, for truth and justice as well. Mark Pucci NYPD Detective (ret.) Founder / Chief Investigator New York Private Detective Services |
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