Kiersten Parsons Hathcock
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Both Sides Now

2/27/2017

15 Comments

 
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I’ve been a lifelong Joni Mitchell fan.  For those who know me, it’s easy to see why. She appeals to my inner hippie. One song in particular—Both Sides Now—has always been a favorite but I’ll admit younger Kiersten didn’t quite get the full meaning of the song. 
 
I truly get it now.  Or, at least, why the lyrics burrowed deep into my soul for eternity.
 
As I watched Sara Barielles' beautiful rendition of Both Sides Now during the Oscar’s ‘In Memoriam’ last night, tears welled but not for obvious reasons.
 
As a child and a young adult, I looked at life as Joni did:
 
Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

 
I had no idea that life could look so different.  What I once thought was black and white wasn’t really that way at all. The more I lived, the more I would come to understand that I don’t fully understand. 
 
I recently wrote to my abuser. I told him I know what he did and how it shaped my entire life.  It took three years, from the time I first started having flashbacks, to feel ready to put pen to paper.  Much to my surprise, writing the letter was easy.  Taking direction from my soul, my fingers tapped away furiously on the keyboard. I felt strong.  I knew it was time.  But there was a moment I realized that both sides of me—little Kiersten and adult Kiersten—aren’t fully integrated. 
 
As I was sealing the envelope to put in the mail, tears welled in my eyes.  The thing is, I didn’t realize I was crying. It was as if it wasn’t me. I was surprised by the trail of salty tears down my cheeks. I quickly realized it was Little Kiersten who was crying—a release after all these years.  Maybe now, I’ll start to fully connect with her again. Maybe she feels vindicated.  I don’t really know yet.
 
Looking at life from this side now, I am truly grateful for the healing and growth I’ve experienced over the past three years. And I’m proud that I didn’t let the revelations of my life break me.  I feel now, they are just part of the tapestry of who I am.
 
But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now 
From win and lose and still somehow 
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

 
I really don’t know life at all, or the reasons we endure what we do in our human experiences. What I do know is I am grateful to feel open to not knowing or understanding everything.  Just carrying on one day at a time without all of the answers and most importantly, becoming whole for the first time in my life.   
 
I’m living both sides, now. 

15 Comments
Yvette
2/27/2017 10:10:33 am

I love you!

Reply
Kiersten
2/27/2017 10:14:46 am

Love you, too, my amazing, beautiful, strong friend! <3

Reply
Cynthia Spiece link
2/27/2017 12:06:00 pm

I love this!!! The healing you gave to yourself by the action of facing what hurt you most, integrated the splintered aspects of you! Yesssssssss!

Reply
Kiersten
2/27/2017 05:50:22 pm

It's wild that I would always say I can't seem to get to my inner child but didn't really even understand how detached I was. Amazing to feel like I can become truly whole again! Thanks for all your love and support!

Reply
Russie Jones link
2/27/2017 01:57:11 pm

What a brave and powerful woman you have become. You have taken away the power that your attacker had and manifested it to use for yourself. May peace and light follow you all the days of your life.

Reply
Kiersten
2/27/2017 05:51:35 pm

Russie, thank you so much for your caring, kind words. My thoughts are with you! I hope you are healing -- I've seen what you've recently endured. Sending healing thoughts and light to you!

Reply
Cath
2/27/2017 04:52:36 pm

You are an amazing writer as you take me into every word. I love you dear friend and will always be here for you.

Reply
Kiersten
2/27/2017 05:52:39 pm

Cath, I love you, too. Thank you for all of your guidance, wisdom, shoulder, and just in general, being in my life. You are so special to me.

Reply
Andy
2/27/2017 06:28:48 pm

I, too, was deeply moved when Sara sang last night. I have my reasons why yet I don't fully understand them. I'm grateful like you, to not knowing or understanding everything. I'm glad you have continued to grow and move forward during these past three years. love you, sweet cousin. xo

Reply
Kiersten
2/27/2017 06:51:09 pm

Andy, I love you, too. Let's catch up soon! Miss talking to you, cous! xoxo

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Robert Petril
2/27/2017 07:14:06 pm

This is beautiful, baby. So proud of you! LYTNF

Reply
Kiersten
2/27/2017 08:12:35 pm

Love you, too, baby. Thank you for all your love and support. LYTNF xoxo

Reply
Kristin Eisenmann
2/28/2017 09:58:39 am

Sending electronic hugs and glad to hear from you again... Thanks for including us all on your journey...Good vibes coming your way from Cleveland... Hoping the healing continues to help you feel whole again

Reply
Kiersten
2/28/2017 01:44:46 pm

Kristin,

Thank you for your electronic hugs and all of your support through the years. Hugs right back to you!

Reply
Egan
2/28/2017 02:47:12 pm

Very moved by this, very proud of who you are, for many reasons...love you.

Reply



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