Who has the new The Chicks album, GASLIGHTER, on repeat right now? I do. As a survivor of narcissistic/sociopathic abuse, it feels like it’s written for me. For all of us survivors.
I had never heard the term GASLIGHT until months before the end of my 3-year relationship with a narcissistic predator. Even after I read the explanation of what it meant, it still felt confusing. That's because I was still being gaslit. I was still drowning in a sea of lies and projection. Eventually, I came to understand that all of the times that he called me crazy or sick, or accused me of cheating on him, it was a manipulative way of putting me in my place. And it was the closest thing I’d get to an admission of guilt on HIS part for all of those things. He was projecting everything he was doing onto me. It took lots of therapy for me to understand that I wasn’t at fault. I wasn’t sick. I had to undo the subconscious conditioning that had been hard-wired inside of me since he and I met that fateful day in 2014. I went from being a strong, independent, confident person to a shell of a woman who couldn’t figure out why it had all gone so pear-shaped. To better illustrate gaslighting, here’s a specific example from a few years back when I wrote a blog post about the abuse I endured while working on a project with my ex. I spelled out how he screamed at me when I innocently didn’t think to lock the door to the dorm room in which we were staying, and then he screamed at me that the reason I did that was because I wanted men to come in. It was soul crushing, all of it. As a childhood sexual abuse survivor, he pushed the right button, for sure. Anyhow, I wrote openly about it and received this message from him before I eventually secured a restraining order against him: You are sick Kiersten. And you were sick in Florida. And you're sick from the abuse you suffered as a child not any from me. And the blindness from your parents for their own facade all your life. Being sick does not make you bad. But it sure keeps you blind. And, you've lost the only one with the insight, guts, and the true love enough to tell you. You've surrounded yourself with only enablers. Truth needs NO validation. What happened in Florida got to anger on both sides. And you helped big time! Just as you did all along knowing each button to push, when calm loving truth showed itself, you RAN again to projection and blame....” With love only, xxx Do you see what he did there? He turned it all around. In no way was he calm or level headed EVER. He blew up that day just like he did down he road when the cops were called by a concerned person to our apartment for fear of my safety. And unbeknownst to me the whole time, he was the one who was wanting others to come into his bedroom. Latter I learned that he was cheating left and right with women of all ages. I’m three years healed, now, and it’s all so clear in ways it wasn’t when I was battling the darkness of abuse. If you’re dealing with gaslighting, know that you are NOT in the wrong. You are not the problem. You are being abused. Many thanks to The Chicks for writing such a raw, vulnerable, brave album.
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Photo credit: Homespun Engineer. I kid you not, almost weekly I’m introduced to a woman (and sometimes a man) who has just survived a relationship riddled with narcissistic abuse.
It brings up different memories and reminds me of the subtleties that can be dismissed when you're living in it, like isolation techniques I wrote about in this recent blog post. It’s those subtleties that all add up to one big fat directive: Run. Let’s talk about blocking/diversion and repetition. It sounds like child's play and it certainly feels that way as the receiver. Blocking/Diversion For example, with blocking/diversion, it’s as if the partner dolling out abuse is incapable of going to a place of introspection. Travel back in time with me. About one year ago, I learned about one of the dating site relationships he engaged in (from the woman who bravely reached out to me with screenshots of said communication) while he still making me believe he was only focusing on his kids and was forever loving me. After seeing with my own eyes the reality of the situation, I pressed him about it. I didn’t press him about the relationship, per se, but more about his tactics in the dialogue I read between he and the woman from the dating site. It was clear he was using what I now refer to as “The Script,” i.e., he immediately started wooing her with promises of tantric massage as a way to help her take care of herself and “give back to her.” Within a 24-hour time span of meeting her on social media, he was utilizing his “I’m a good guy who cares about you; therefore, I will take care of you and perform tantric massage and then make love for hours ” technique. Ya know, same old pick up lines most guys use. Ha! As you can tell (read: sarcasm), it's very simlar to "Hi, it's nice to meet you. Maybe you'd like to get coffee sometime?" Here’s where the diversion comes in. When I confronted him about all of the women who were writing to me saying he was using the same lines and tactics (like what I laid about above), I said, “Look, your daughter is young now but a few years down the road she is going to be dating. Would you want your daughter to meet YOU—with your predatory tactics and grandiose promises of sexual healing massage on the very first day of communication? Only to get what you want and then move on to the next woman?” You know what I got? Dead silence. No answer. I can only figure he read it and then completely blocked it from his mind, and then blocked me from getting an answer. He skipped past it and moved on to throwing more mud at me—a diversion tactic. Repetition The second tactic I want to share today—repetition—used to drive me up a wall. In the middle of an argument, instead of dialoguing back and forth like people do who are emotionally mature, he would repeat the same phrase over and over again. For example, in a text argument where he didn’t agree with a choice I made, I would get “Ask Scott and Cindy, they know best” over and over again no matter what I said. No matter what I asked. He would repeat the same phrase more than a dozen times, in most cases. It now reminds me of the childhood comeback, “I know you are but what am i?” It felt like I was trying to reason with a toddler. If this happens or has happened in your life, it’s a tell-tale sign you’re involved with someone who lacks emotional maturity. Outwardly, they can project the image of being wise and mature, but the minute this type of behavior starts, know you’re in a losing battle. You can’t reason with someone who isn't a rational thinker. Blocking/diversion and repetition are road signs telling you to get off the road, now. Exit immediately. I wish someone had explained this to me when I was knee-deep in it—I just kept trying to understand it from his perspective. No matter what the argument is or the context around it, if the person you’re with just stonewalls you with the same phrase over and over again or completely ignores something you say, you’re not with a person who will grow with you. He or she will likely remain stuck emotionally at an age far younger than you can imagine or want. Save yourself from a lifetime of child's play. The other night, I received a message from a childhood friend. We don’t connect much at all but she took the time to tell me she is leaving her abusive husband. I had no idea she was in this type of a relationship. She said she felt so blind for so long, which is not the first time I’ve been told this by women I know. Nor is it foreign to me—I felt blind in my relationship. She thanked me for being a voice and said she reads everything that I write. I felt happy to be there for her in some small way, but I also felt the weight of her words when I read them, and I felt intuitively what so many of us feel—we beat ourselves up for staying so long.
Last night, Scott and I watched Brene Brown’s Ted Talk on the topic of shame. It got me thinking about how I felt truly blind to reality of what I had gotten myself into on many levels because he was such a good manipulator, but then when I finally started to acknowledge the levels of abuse I was allowing/enduring, I felt so much shame. Adding insult to injury, I felt MORE shame because I had a tough time staying out of the relationship for good. In fact, I packed up his things twice and eventually shipped them the second time. What happened the first time? Well, I let him back in. I didn’t believe I deserved the treatment I was getting so when people would suggest maybe I was lacking self-confidence, it wouldn’t sit right with me. I'd get kinda mad, actually. It wasn't about self-esteem. I knew who I was and most importantly, I liked who I had become AND I knew what real love was supposed to feel like. More than anything, I believed he was still the guy he presented himself to be in the beginning and I couldn’t figure out why it was so hard for him to just be that guy, again. I believed in him. When he went to see my therapist, I believed he really wanted to get to the bottom of his anger and pain for himself, and for me. I simply believed. One thing I never considered was what was happening to me chemically, inside my mind and body. I had no idea that a big part of the reason I kept going back to him was because I was literally conditioned and addicted. I just thought I wasn’t “strong enough” and that led to, you guessed it, more shame. Shahida Arabi shares in her article, YOUR BRAIN ON LOVE, SEX AND THE NARCISSIST: THE ADDICTION TO BONDING WITH OUR ABUSERS, that “recovering from an abusive relationship can be similar to withdrawal from drug addiction due to the biochemical bonds we may develop with our toxic ex-partners.” She goes on to explain the biochemical bonds that make it extremely difficult to leave these types of relationships. In Shahida’s words, here’s what may be keeping you addicted, or was keeping you addicted to a relationship dripping in narcisssistic abuse: 1) Oxytocin. This hormone, known famously as the “cuddle” or “love hormone,” is released during touching, orgasm and sexual intercourse; it promotes attachment and trust. It is the same hormone released by the hypothalamus that enables bonding between mother and child. During “lovebombing” and mirroring in the idealization phases with our abusive partners, it’s likely that our bond to them is quite strong as a result of this hormone. Intermittent reinforcement of positive behaviors dispersed throughout the abuse cycle (e.g. gifts, flowers, compliments, sex) ensures that we still release oxytocin even after experiencing incidents of abuse. I’ve heard from many survivors who reminisce about the great sexual relationship they had with the narcissist, containing an electrifying sexual chemistry they feel unable to achieve with future partners. This is because charming emotional predators such as narcissists are able to mirror our deepest sexual and emotional desires, which leads to a strong sexual bond, which then, of course, releases oxytocin, and promotes even more trust and attachment. Meanwhile, the narcissist, who is usually devoid of empathy and does not form these types of close attachments, is able to move onto his or her next source of supply without much thought or remorse. The addictive nature of oxytocin is also gendered according to Susan Kuchinskas, author of the book, The Chemistry of Connection: How the Oxytocin Response Can Help You Find Trust, Intimacy and Love. The unfortunate fact is that estrogen promotes the effects of oxytocin bonding whereas testosterone discourages it. This makes it more difficult for females in any typeof relationship to detach from the bond as quickly as men. 2) Dopamine. The same neurotransmitter that is responsible for cocaine addiction is the same one responsible for addiction to dangerous romantic partners. According to Harvard Health, both drugs and intense, pleasurable memories trigger dopamine and create reward circuits in the brain, essentially telling the brain to “do it again.” Do you remember recalling the pleasurable, beautiful first moments with your narcissistic partner? The romantic dates, the sweet compliments and praise, the incredible sex – long after you two had broken up? Yeah – it’s releasing the dopamine in your brain that’s telling you to “do it again.” The salience theory of dopamine suggests that our brain releases dopamine not just for pleasurable events but to important ones that are linked to survival. As Samantha Smithstein, Psy.d,puts it, “Dopamine is not just a messenger that dictates what feels good; it is also tells the brain what is important and what to pay attention to in order to survive. And the more powerful the experience is, the stronger the message is to the brain to repeat the activity for survival.” Abuse survivors are unfortunately hijacked by dopamine. Abusive tactics like intermittent reinforcement works well with our dopamine system, because studies show that dopamine flows more readily when the rewards are given out on unpredictable schedule rather than predictably after conditioned cues. So the random sweet nothings whispered to us after an incident of emotional abuse, the apologies, the pity ploys, the rare displays of tenderness during the devaluation phase, right before another incident of abuse – actually help cement this type of reward circuit rather than deter it. Combine this with powerful experiences of abuse which alert our brain to “pay attention” as well as pleasurable memories we recollect over and over again – and we’ve got ourselves a biochemical bond from hell. 3) Cortisol, Adrenaline and Norepinephrine. Cortisol is a stress hormone, and boy, does it get released during the traumatic highs and lows of an abusive relationship. It is released by the adrenal glands in response to fear as part of the “fight or flight” mechanism. Since we are unlikely to have a physical outlet of release when cortisol is triggered during cycles of emotional abuse, this often traps the stress within our bodies instead. As we ruminate over incidents of abuse, increased levels of cortisol lead to more and more health problems. Christopher Bergland suggests numerous ways to counteract the effects of this hormone, which include physical activity, mindfulness, meditation, laughter, music and social connectivity. Adrenaline and norepinephrine also prepare our body for the flight or fight response, and are also culprits in biochemical reactions to our abusers. Adrenaline promotes an antidepressant effect, triggering fear and anxiety which then releases dopamine – this can cause us to become “adrenaline junkies,” addicted to the rush of vacillating between bonding and betrayal. During No Contact, withdrawal from that “rush” can be incredibly painful. 4) Trauma bonding. All of these jolts of fear and anxiety in the face of danger can reenact past traumas and create trauma bonding. Trauma bonding occurs after intense, emotional experiences with our abusers and tethers us to them, creating subconscious patterns of attachment that are very difficult to detach from. It is part of the phenomenon known as Stockholm Syndrome, in which victims of hostage become attached to their perpetrators and even defend their captors. Although survivors of narcissistic abuse come from many different backgrounds and anyone can be a victim of narcissistic abuse, trauma bonding is even more significant for those who grow up in violent or emotionally abusive homes, and/or have had a narcissistic parent in addition to their most recent experiences with trauma and abuse. Survivors of multiple incidents of abuse by various narcissistic individuals can further reinforce subconscious wounds they experienced in childhood in the trauma bond with their current abusers. If there has been victimization in the past, such as the experience of having to survive in an abusive household, this can lead to trauma repetition or reenactment, the root of which Gary Reece, Ph.D in his article, “The Trauma Bond,” calls “relational trauma”: “The key to understanding behavior found in abusive relationships is to look at the very early years of childhood. Relational trauma is at the root….There are several features these kinds of relationships have in common. The first is, they are deeply ambivalent, reflective of the Trauma Bond: fear, dependency, need, fear of abandonment, despair, the realization of helplessness, and rage. This is an amalgam of very powerful emotions which drive and make the relationship so unstable…The second feature of this kind of relationship is that it is a compulsive reenactment. Allan Schore, an attachment expert put it this way. “A further complication of unresolved trauma is narrative reenactment of the trauma wherein the victim unconsciously recreates the original traumatic event over and over.” (Handbook for Treatment of Attachment Trauma, pg. 35) For more information on trauma bonding, please see The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships by Patrick Carnes. It is important to understand the various types of biochemical and psychological bonds that often create attachments between abusers and their victims. Better understanding these bonds enables us to move past victim-blaming and move forward into greater understanding, compassion and support for survivors who struggle with leaving abusive relationships. We must not judge but continue to empower ourselves and others with this newfound knowledge. I’m just so grateful. Beyond grateful, to be exact. Since 2014, I have had a literal team of angels—here on earth and in spirit—around me, helping guide me through the experiences of the last four years. Regardless of whether or not these folks agreed with my choices, they were there for me. Always. Obviously, Scott is and has always been my protector, even when that meant he had to let go and have faith I would get through what he knew was mine to get through. No matter how angry he was at me, he still respected and loved me, and wanted me to be OK. He wanted me to be more than OK—for me, for our kids, for life in general, whether that meant we ended up back together or not. That’s true, unconditional love. Turns out, Hallmark doesn’t make cards that say, “Thanks for helping save my soul.” They should, though. And the card should have his photo on it. Scott, you are the best of the best humans on earth. And clearly, my #1 angel on earth. I love you beyond 5. In the same vein, I would also be handing out thank you cards to my dearest circle of family and friends-who-are-like-family who never gave up on me. They, too, knew that even if I was choosing the cycle of abuse that had become my life, it was because I wasn’t ready or strong enough to end it for good at that moment. Not that I never would be strong enough to end it. They all knew I would learn what I needed to learn, and become the person I’m becoming today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for standing by me through thick and thin, and light and dark. Andy, Egan, Mom and Dad, Lorraine, Cindy B, Theresa B, Krista A, Janine, Caroline H, Kari, Ben, Stacey B, Ari, Cathy S, Katie H, Cami D, Maria Louisa, and Julie and Suzi. Your support, love, compassion, grace, wisdom, channeled messages, and sometimes “tough love” helped me find myself, again. I am eternally grateful and love you all, dearly. To my soul sisters in the land of “woo woo,” your messages, guidance, perfectly timed channeling was always taken very seriously, and even though it looked at times like I would never come out of it, your gifts helped me heal more than you will ever know. Yvette, Tracy W, Camilla, Cynthia, Necole, and Lynn B, I am in awe of your hearts, your intuition, and your foresight. Yvette, you and Jason—I just truly have no words to properly express my love and gratitude for you both. Yvette, I remember your son in spirit, Jason, pleading with me through you one night, saying, “Kiers, I died because of this type of drug (an analogy to a relationship in his life).” I could feel his desperation so many times and you both guided me out of the dark hole I was desperately trying to climb out of, yet scared to death to climb out of at the same time. I can’t wait to tell the whole story of the magnificent people you both are, and how we came into each other’s lives. Tracy, Camilla, Cynthia, Necole, and Lynn B—my mind is swimming with flashes of so many moments where you would reach out to me at the exact right moments I needed to hear a message, whether it be a channeled one from my grandmother who was kicking my ass while encouraging me to wake up and see the reality of the situation, or you were simply saying “there’s a bigger picture here than you can see now, Kiers. Keep trusting yourself.” Thank you, thank you, thank you. My heart is with you always. Tracy: http://www.creativeinsightnumerology.com Cynthia: http://reimaginethatblog.blogspot.com Necole: https://necolestephens.com To my wonderful therapists, Deanna Vance and Suzanne Botello—I know I was guided to you. Your heart, intuition, experience, and true belief in me is gift beyond what I ever thought possible. Again, you are angels on earth to so many, and I’m just one of the lucky ones who sat in your therapy chair sometimes twice a week. In the beginning, I was scared to death you would think I was crazy—and you didn’t. Just the opposite happened. You confirmed everything I was feeling and held my hand as I walked step-by-step out of the darkness (and sometimes backwards into the darkness.) You never judged. You made me think deeply and helped me honor all parts of myself. Thank you, for helping me find the light again, and teaching me ways to embrace my darkness, too. About Deanna Vance, LPC Deanna Vance is a Licensed a Professional Counselor at the New Leaf Wellness Building. She has over thirty years of experience in varied settings including Community Mental Health, Group Homes, Schools & Private Practice. Deanna specializes in Play Therapy which is a powerful & effective reparative approach for children. Trauma and Attachment problems have been her expertise. She also enjoys working with adolescents and adults. About Dr. Suzanne Botello, PhD, LPC, Psychologist I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in the Employee Assistance and Wellness Program at Northern Arizona University. I have a PhD in Counseling Psychology, and am a psychology resident, earning supervised work hours toward licensure. I work primarily with staff, faculty, and their families doing individual, group, and couples work. My life is most in balance when I am making art. Having my hands in clay or working in mixed media, using textiles, paper, fiber, old photos, and embellishments, I find myself again and again. My personal mission statement: I help people remember who they are through art, love, and sacred space. As one of my favorite writers, Glennon Doyle, says, “We can do hard things.” Talking about sex is a hard thing for me—and from what I can tell, for many childhood sexual abuse survivors. I want to talk about a few things as they relate to recovering from the initial trauma of childhood sexual abuse as well as realizations from an adult relationship that involved narcissistic abuse and what is finally now clear to me—a little something called the Madonna/Whore complex. Looking back, I can connect the dots pretty easily but it wasn’t until I fully understood that I was abused as a child. So that means for forty years, I had issues. For me, intimacy/sex was cloaked in shame. I couldn’t put my finger on it necessarily, but I was not the “I am comfortable in my skin—celebrate your woman-ness” girl. I was shy and rarely took the lead. I felt emotionally disconnected from the act and was incredibly modest throughout most of my life. Right before I started to experience flashbacks at age 40, I was even starting to have panic attacks during sex. Any weight on me would cause me to almost hyperventilate. I couldn’t figure out what was happening, but soon the flashbacks started and things came into focus. It was all starting to make sense, but sadly, I was also mistakenly projecting the feelings of being controlled/suffocated onto my husband. Then, all hell broke loose. I went down the rabbit hole with another man and a three-year separation from Scott. As happens in new relationships, everything felt new, different, and exciting. I wasn’t having panic attacks, and I wasn’t feeling suffocated. I was feeling euphoric, revered and free—like I was taking control of my own sexuality. Little did I know what was yet to come. Lisa E. Scott—author of The Path Forward—explains in her article, “Understanding the Narcissist’s Madonna/Whore Complex,” that narcissists have intimacy issues and cannot see their partner in a healthy way. She goes on to say that some narcissists are unable to see what most men dream of in a woman—someone who is both sweet and sexy at the same time. They cannot help categorizing people into one of two separate categories — saintly or sexy. They find it impossible to see someone as both. To them, someone is one or the other, but never both. This is what psychologists refer to as a Madonna-Whore Complex. I truly had no idea I was dealing with this for three years until messages started coming in from other women (after we split) regarding my ex. Specifically, one set of screenshots where—unbeknownst to me— he was plotting to meet up with a very sexually open woman in another state while living with me. In fact, she was the one to mention this Freudian concept to me and it helped me come to grips with what I endured, and what it meant. In the beginning, I was appealing to him because of the thrill of the chase. I was continually told I was the sexiest woman on the planet; however, over time, I certainly didn’t feel this way and I questioned him. Was he really just tired? Was I just not attractive to him anymore? The change in dynamic was very obvious, but he did a good job making me feel a.) it wasn’t real, and/or b.) if it was real, it was because I’d done something wrong. Being programmed to believe that I somehow caused my relative to rape me as a child, I just fell right back into that pattern of thinking I was at fault. If I were to step outside of the “good girl/nurturer” persona, i.e., being adventurous, playful, or leading the way, I would eventually be shamed for it. I, of course, took that on as mine—as if I’d done something wrong, not realizing he couldn’t see me as a sexual being and a nurturing love at the same time. Lisa E. Scott goes on to explain in her article, “They begin to view love as sexless, pure, and saintly; whereas sex is dirty and reserved for whores. If you are good to a narcissist, he eventually withdraws sexually from any type of intimate relationship you once had with him. It is inevitable in any long-term relationship with a narcissist. You become sexless.” It wasn’t until I started reading the messages coming in from multiple women around the world—where they mentioned risqué photos being sent to them by him and immediate talk of sexual acts and tantric massage—that I was the Madonna. It’s likely the reason I was shamed with, “you want men to come in the room, don’t you?” when I forgot to lock the door. As an abuse survivor who thought she was finally tackling her demons and shedding innate shame and insecurity around sex, you can imagine how devastating this was to endure. Just when I was starting to feel comfortable, I was, again, being shamed—and this time, by someone outside of me. It’s taken me this long—with the help of an amazingly supportive partner—to fully embody that there’s nothing wrong with me. I can be playful, sweet, and sexy all at the same time, and I will not be shamed for it. I will be honored and loved. And I will honor and love myself for all that I am. Phew. I did it! I like to think Glennon would be proud. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, which I will take to mean it was time. There are many gifts along this healing journey and reclaiming myself—body and soul—is definitely one of them. |
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