"You haven't split into different personalities—your personality is very strong. You do not have multiple personalities, you just haven't been able to integrate "parts" of you, like little four-year-old Kiersten who was abused."
I almost kissed my psychologist today when she said that. I truly never thought I was dealing with dissociative identity disorder; however, upon learning about the abuse I suffered, I started to question everything. Not being able to easily access memories from childhood also makes all of this feel really fuzzy.
Apparently, my inner child is someone I need to get to know better and integrate more fully into my whole self. She seems to want attention and love and has been trying to get my attention as well as steering much of the way I react to things in life. I just didn't know this was what was happening. Sexual abuse is what she knows; therefore, abuse equates to love for her. Honestly, it's strange to write about her like this because she's part of me.
My psychologist gave me some exercises to get to know her better. I'm not gonna lie—it feels kinda scary and foreign to me. I'm sure that sounds crazy being that I frequently channel spirit and THAT in itself feels crazy to a lot of people. I'll try anything at this point. I'm going to give it a whirl and trust that she's coming through to me now because I'm fully ready to heal.
One thing that has become very clear over the last few weeks is that little Kiersten—due to the sexual abuse I endured between the ages of 3-6—believes that it's her job to keep a man happy and do what he wants. This is NOT how I was raised by my very progressive, loving parents, but as I grew, I continued to people please and focused on making everything ok for everyone around me, male or female and I didn't even fully realize what I was doing all of these years. It was just who I was—the caretaker, the perfectionist. I'm starting to fully understand the meaning of a mid-life crisis and just how much your subconscious affects your life!
So what's next? EMDR therapy is next. I've heard wonderful things about this type of modality for trauma survivors and I'm hopeful that it will help me be able to integrate Little K.
Like other survivors, I want to heal and move on. I want to honor what I've been through in life but not let it become my identity or consume me. I truly just want to get to know the "REAL" me, the whole me.
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