UPDATE: I posted this on July 2, but ultimately took it down because there was a retaliation campaign, as I feared. I feared it, but I don't fear it anymore. Because of this post I shared, multiple women came forward telling me the same thing happened to them with the same man. The same lines, the same songs, and the same promise of tantric massage. It was heart breaking to realize that what I thought was real, was never real, but in my most recent post, I do truly understand it all now.
July 2, 2017
So this just happened.....
The man I've been in a relationship with posted his very well-crafted status update about the demise of our three-year romance. And it sent me through the roof. It took all I had to not want to shout all kinds of shit from the rooftops on my own Facebook page.
Here is his status:
"I'm picking myself up off the ground. It's time to finally heal this completely broken and devastated heart. Time for healing, learning, clarity, and never giving up hope for authentic truth and love, I'm proud I was able to give all of myself, all of my love, and all of my truth. And I'm grateful for the beautiful lived, the peace I'll now find, and gifts I know will be on the other side of pain. #MyTruth #TNF #Love #Pain #Healing #Life"
I'm not gonna mince words, it enraged me. We've both made mistakes in the relationship based off of old wounds and just plain stupidity sometimes, but it appears he was truly a saint, proudly giving all of himself perfectly, according to his public announcment to 5000 of his closest friends. At least, that's how it reads to me and a few others. I'm sure to some, it just seems par for the course for who he is publicly.
I completely admit to not making good choices at times. I've lied, albeit out of self-preservation and fear of some sort of misunderstanding, but still, I lied. And I know better than that. I've slung emotional mud at him in angered response to things we went through. I've been scared at times, like when someone called the cops because they heard yelling. I participated but as one cop said, "we could hear him yelling at you from down the hall." And then at the end of the visit, "Ma'am would you like a pamphlet that you can work through to find out if this is a good relationship or not." Um....yeah...I'm thinking you can save that pamphlet. I already know deep down (but don't want to believe) that what I thought was true love likely an opportunity for me to shed past patterns of pleasing the abuser and blaming myself for the abuse. That's the simplified nut-shell take on the situation, but I also know there are a lot of factors at play that we can't see.
So why am I so angry? He's just trying to share his pained state of being right now and I know he can only see it the way he does? Do I care what others think? Sure, I do! But mainly I'm sick and tired of hiding the secrets. The secret of abusive behavior. I've done it since I was a kid with the man who abused me as a child and I've done it as an adult and took on the guilt that I was to blame for it.
Does this make him a bad person? No way. I love him. I will always love him. He's talented, brave, sensitive, and really cares about justice. But you see, he's an abuse survivor, too. We have triggered each others deep wounds. And for now, he only sees it the way he sees it and I understand that. I only see things the way I see them, too. And maybe there's no right or wrong in either viewpoint but what is soul crushing is that we were hurting each other despite only wanting to love one another.
The one thing I feel pretty certain about is that there is truth in our experience. Truth that things would be different if neither of us had experienced what we did. The cycle of abuse is real. Generational abuse is rampant and it's affecting so many of us on such deep levels. For me, because I repressed memories of my abuse until age 40, I didn't even know I was running subconcious programs that were wrecking adult relationships. I'm just now learning that at age 43.
I'm realizing as I'm going through healing—including both psychological counseling/EMDR therapy and spiritual healing—that I attracted this. Like a magnet, I drew to me a relationship that would open the doors to healing for me and I did the same for him, even if he doesn't see it that way.
It's heartbreaking. It's something I want to write more about because I believe strongly, especially for survivors who have repressed memories, it's like flying blind your whole life not knowing why you are pleasing, smoothing, and accomodating everyone and their brother no matter the cost to self.
For now, I'm starting here. Starting slowly. It's going to be hard to admit some of my lowest moments and bad choices but I think true healing starts with awareness and truth.
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