People smile when they see the bracelet Scott surprised me with out of the blue. Not just because there’s a cuss word on it, but because when you read it, it just says exactly what he wanted me to know.
To keep fucking going.
This was one way of saying keep speaking out. Despite what it all means for him—me talking openly about a past relationship and all the pain it brought to our lives—he wants me to keep going. To keep lighting the dark spaces of our world that are pretty scary to talk about for a number of reasons. He knows what it means for me when I do speak out.
It means retaliation.
It means nasty, bullying messages and covert operations to keep me from speaking out. It means bullying people (as recently as few weeks ago) who are standing by my side.
It means lies being put out into the world about me. I remember reading awhile back that my ex claimed I said “If you leave me, I’ll ruin you.” Of course, I said no such thing. Anyone who knows me, knows that’s not something I’d say. It took a lot for me to start talking about what happened because it’s hard to admit that I would allow it and that I wasn’t strong enough to break free long ago. And he’d done a fabulous job of grooming his followers and friends to believe I was the one who was abusing him. The old “flip the script” tactic my psychotherapist told me about is in full swing.
Now, will I stand up for myself? Yes. Will I protect myself and my family and go as far as to stand in court in front of a judge in order to be granted a restraining order based on REAL EVIDENCE that he was trying to “ruin me” and bully me? Yes. None of his exes or current wife have ever fought back publicly but I heard from many privately that they endured very similar abuse, and in some cases, worse. I certainly wasn’t begging him to stay, I had already packed up his stuff and carried all of it to UPS and shipped it to his place near Seattle. Not really the kind of thing you do if you’re trying to keep someone in your life. I was fighting for my life.
It means potential danger for me. And now you know why.
Keep fucking going has now become my mantra. As long as I breathe, I will share the good, bad, beautiful, ugly, embarrassing, and messy about life before, after, and during abuse.
I never want my children or their children (or anyone in the world) to endure what I allowed for a brief time in my life. But first, they have to recognize the signs of narcissistic abuse before it turns abusive.
If you’re in a relationship that has turned abusive, keep doing the hard work to figure out how to save yourself. Even if it’s not right this minute for a variety of reasons, keep pushing towards a life without abuse. Learn how to not absorb the verbal and emotional abuse being slung at you. Baby steps until you can take one big, giant leap.
You’ve got this. Keep fucking going.
You’re so worth it.