Ever since I was a little, I have been described as a helper, believer, supporter, and optimist. And I love all of those things about me. I come from a long line of helpers, teachers and coaches so it must be in my DNA.
I would always take folks at their word. I had this innate faith that everyone was trying their best. I still have that faith, but a parting gift when a narcissistic abuser walks out the door is the realization you were totally duped.
Another "bub-bye" gift is coming to grips with the fact that you were made to feel less than and there's no way the belittling and condescension didn't seep into the cracks. As confident as I am about who I am, it absolutely unknowingly seeped into my soul.
Last night, Scott and I were watching Mr. Rogers and Me—a documentary about Mr. Rogers and his impact on children and adults, alike—and it occurred to me that my sense of self had been adversely affected by anti-Mr. Rogers. "I love you just the way you are" was turned on its head because it was something that was shouted from the rooftops in the beginning, but over time it changed to, "you're a thick fucking brick" and other not-so-nice declarations with intermittent compliments sprinkled in between.
Feeling loved and safe turned to feeling on edge, confused, and hurt. This led to trust issues for me. I had a hard time trusting my own intuitive guidance about the smallest things in life and I had a difficult time believing in other people. I swore to keep my circle small and only trust those who were there for me through thick and thin. I could count them on one hand.
The truth is, now, I have learned to trust again but it required me listening to my own inner voice and re-learning how to decipher subtle energetic signs.
Here's a list of what to look for when you're in the presence of a new person. If you feel these things, know that it's for a very good reason. With that said, it's hard to read objectively when attraction gets thrown into the mix but it's possible!
Learning to trust these physical intuitive cues has helped me quickly decipher who and how to trust, again.
As Mr. Rogers said, "The greatest gift you ever give is your honest self.” So be who you are and acknowledge your honest feelings and physical cues when you are learning to trust again.
Trust me—it works!
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