I have an incredible partner in life—my husband, Scott. He's not only allowed himself to be vulnerable and open with those who have asked him privately about marriage, separation, abuse, and the supernatural, he's written about it.
Here's a list of his posts.....
There are so many names out there right now to describe similar abuses—narcissistic abuse, psychological abuse, and sociopathic abuse, to name a few. I’ve found it’s less important to put a name to it than it is to recognize it. I didn’t know what it looked like so I had no clue to watch for signs. With that said, when I was struggling with what the hell was going on in the abusive relationship I was in, I did strongly connect to articles written about being in relationships with people who were diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and/or Borderline Personality Disorder; however, I do not know if he would be diagnosed with either. While he went to my therapist once to appease me, I know he would never go in order to seek answers because he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with the way he treats women. As you can guess, that’s a sign.
Many women of all ages have been asking me, “Is this abusive? If he does this, does that mean he’s a narcissist?” It’s so tricky because there’s a preconceived notion that “narcissists” are the guys who are constantly seeking attention for their looks and come across as cocky. Not all people who are prone to dishing out psychological abuse act this way. Many are chameleons who morph given their environment and intent to connect with someone, and can publicly look like they are loving, caring, empathic human beings. This is why it’s so hard to tell, initially, if someone is abusive at first glance. Let's face it—people aren't abusive from the get-go. They need to hook you first.
Today, I want to talk about two behaviors/truths that quickly became red flags for me but I didn't see them as abusive, at first. They aren’t talked about as frequently as other red flags, like love bombing and gas lighting, but based on the women I’ve spoken with who have endured emotional and verbal abuse in romantic relationships, they seem to be common indicators.
First, let’s tackle what happens when you don’t back them up 100% all of the time. We’re not talking playing devil’s advocate, we’re talking not living up to their warped expectations of full agreement. Any "slight" on them is as if you've cut them with a knife. Prepare for the backlash.
For example, when we were traveling for work early on in the relationship (maybe 3 months), all was going well on the drive from High Point, NC back up to Philadelphia until a friend of ours called and said something that made him angry. I simply said, like I would with anyone, “Maybe she was feeling x, and that’s the place she was coming from when she said that.” What he heard was, “I’m not backing you up 100% on this.” The ride got very quiet. We ended up in a crappy motel room a few hours outside of Philly. I apologized for it sounding like I wasn’t supporting him but it was no help. By then, the rage had set in and there was no turning back. We were in a really awful motel room and he wasn’t talking to me—he was avoiding me. His avoidance tactic is frequently sleeping so he fell asleep in full clothing on top of the bed. I was so spun around, I had no idea what I had done to warrant this behavior—I actually felt scared. I remember hiding in the bug-infested bathroom calling my son just to hear his voice. To hear from someone I knew loved me unconditionally and was as grounded as they come.
I pretended to be ok but I clearly wasn’t. I managed to fall asleep for a bit until I heard him up, putting his boots on without talking to me. I was asking him if he was ok and where he was going. He didn’t say a word but looked at me with fire in his eyes. He stormed out of the motel room and slammed the door. I was in tears. What the hell happened? Most people go to sleep and it’s better in the morning—for three years it was NEVER better in the morning. It was worse. He eventually came back and after more silence, told me when the sun came up that he’d had a dream about being betrayed by his sister and father. And me. All of that erupted because I thought we were having a mature conversation and I could say, “Hey, have you thought of it this way? Maybe she said that because….” What did I do afterwards, you ask? Little did I know I was being conditioned to a.) apologize and take the blame, and b.) do whatever I could to get back to the calm. I did just that and hoped that maybe he was just having a bad day and he’d get back to being the guy I thought he was.
Now, let’s talk about the second tip-off, social media, and how it will potentially become a huge issue in your relationship.
These were posted by him before and right at the time I finally started telling the truth of what I endured/allowed. The photo of me sitting on the rock formation says, "She looked me in the eyes, she smiled, and she lied. #brokenheart - With Kiersten Parsons. --- The photo of the two of us says, "If in my darkest hours of pain I gave anyone the wrong impression, I'm sorry. And I certainly tried but through the darkness my soul knows only one thing. No matter what, my hear and soul belong to her. #TNF #MYTRUTH #THISLIFE #FOREVER LOVE
Social media (Facebook and Instagram, in particular) became a complete nightmare. I’d never had issues with social media before him. Now, I realize we met on Facebook through friends but still, I never looked at it and scrutinized it the way he did. I would hear things from him like, “this person is such a supporter and I think she’s crushing on me.” If I didn't proactively tell him who I thought had a crush on me (not my style nor on my radar), I would hear about it. When he would get mad at someone, he would block them for not being a “supporter.” He blocked my parents on Facebook because they stuck up for me. They invested 8K in him and Mod Life. And they got blocked and of course, never repayed. He blocked me numerous times during our relationship. At one point, I couldn't take it. I got off FB all together in hopes it would help the relationship.
He would ask, “Who’s that guy liking your photos?... Who’s this person?.... Has he ever reached out publicly? If he did, what did you say back to him? Why did you tell him you were flattered by his compliment? Would you want me saying that?” No matter what I said or did, or how open I was with him, I would always be blamed for being too nice and not being a "pit bull" for him. It got to the point I even lied to him when he asked if a particular guy had ever reached out privately because I knew it would come back on me. It always did. It didn’t end there.
If I did something he didn’t like, I could pretty much guarantee something would show up on social media in the form of a passive aggressive post or something even more pointed. I could count it down to the minute, almost…3, 2, 1....post aimed at me. Eventually, we would make up which meant I said I was to blame for whatever it was I did—look at a colleague with too much eye contact, be too nice to a man, not work hard enough on Mod Life, not wear the right clothing, not bring up that I believed someone had a crush on me, and so on and so forth. Shortly thereafter, posts about how much he loved me would appear, making him look like the most romantic guy on the planet. And after that, posts that talk about how he loved fully and how through the pain and anger, only our souls knew the truth would be put on display. A lot of spiritual jargon was included, for sure. Something I came to learn from other women in his past, women he was with while he was targeting me, and women who came shortly after me is part of his script and has been for years.
I remember thinking each time, if only the social media world knew what was happening behind closed doors. I felt a lot of pressure to post lovey dovey posts of us. If I didn’t like his posts fast enough, I didn’t care enough about him. If I didn’t reciprocate, I would hear about it. I finally confided in my friends and family about the social media stuff, but it took me about a year for me to open up to them. I was embarrassed and I didn’t want to believe it was full-on controlling behavior but I needed to understand from someone on the outside if what was happening was normal. It was never my normal before meeting him. He was pretty vocal about how I wronged him long before I finally opened my mouth publicly. When I came out with the full story about us after the final break up—the one that didn’t jive with his carefully crafted social media campaign and facade, I was called mentally ill, dishonest, narcissistic, and so on.
It’s crazy to think that between now and then, I’ve learned so much about what was really happening behind the scenes from all of the courageous women with whom I've spoken, who were targets of his in years past or during the time he was targeting me. No wonder he was worried about social media—it was his favorite predatory channel!
I hope by sharing this, it helps someone who is struggling with the question, “Is this abusive?” I just thought he was insecure at times and didn't want to lose me (read: jealous) because he told me I was the one; his true soulmate he'd finally found. I thought he simply needed reassurance so I adjusted my behavior which meant I start blocking people and cutting them out of my life so he wouldn't get angry not knowing that isolation is also one of the tip-offs. I didn’t recognize either of the two points I covered in this blog as abusive, at first. I questioned myself and looked deep, trying to find the proof that I was indeed to blame.
I wasn’t to blame. You aren’t to blame, if you're enduring this. Frankly, it's manipulative, controlling BS and it is indeed abuse. Even after all Scott and I have been through, neither of us ever monitors Facebook. We support each other but we don't stalk one another. You’d think there would be trust issues but there aren’t. Stable, emotionally mature men welcome when their partners say, "Hey, have you thought of looking at it this way?" and they certainly don’t need to monitor social media as a way to control and isolate their partner.
If you notice either of these tip-offs happening in your relationship early on, run.
Another blog post about an abusive tactic:
When I started speaking out about the truth of the verbally and emotionally abusive relationship I was in from 2014-2017, this happened:
Think about this for a moment. People ask why women don't speak up about harassment and abuse? THIS IS WHY.
And it's the reason this silent epidemic still exists. He kept all of those women before me quiet with threats and harassment, to the point they are still scared to speak out. And I don't blame them. I'm just grateful they reached out to me and spoke up about the abuse they endured at his hand.
On this day—International Women's Day—I have hope. Hope that by speaking out, we are helping to create a better tomorrow for generations to come. Generations that will look back on the #metoo and #timesup movements as the turning point in history where light began to push out the silent darkness.
Thank you, warrior women, for speaking out, supporting your fellow sisters (privately or publicly), and saying ENOUGH to abuse on all levels.
You are my heroes.
Scott and I were down in Phoenix this past Sunday and it triggered a memory. Out of nowhere, I remembered the first thing I ever channeled years ago—2009, to be exact.
My girlfriend from LA and I loved to take a day or two and go to Palm Springs every now and then. This trip was no exception—we wanted a little R&R in the desert. We ended up booking a room at a hotel/spa outside of the mod, retro desert town known for being a playground for Hollywood elite. I can’t for the life of me remember the name of the resort, but it sits on sacred land and is very sprawling. We ended up being put in a separate house that sat alone on a hill—it was considered the best accommodation on the property. Our ticket to the golden palace was sheer luck. Our standard hotel room had suffered some pretty bad water damage and the smell was horrendous. We asked if we could change rooms and they went above and beyond.
That night, after lots of laughs, drinks, and daytime massages, we went to sleep in our separate rooms, thanks to the swanky upgrade we received. The next morning, I woke to the sound of what I thought was my friend’s TV in her room. My room filled with what sounded like Native Americans chanting, horses running, and gunshots blazing past me. I was so confused. The noise—which was getting louder and louder—was definitely not coming from a TV in another room. Later, she told me she slept through it all and did not have her TV on. The "scene" seemed to be coming from the window in my bedroom. With this revelation, I started to get pretty freaked out. I truly expected to go to the window, pull back the curtain, and see the full-on western movie I’d been hearing. I forced myself to walk the three or four steps to the window and nervously looked out. The soundtrack didn't match the view.
I remember staring out over miles and miles of desert land with not a soul in sight, yet I was still hearing the chanting, horses, gunshots, and now screaming. I thought I’d really lost my mind. I stood there frozen at the window while I suddenly noticed the commotion was fading. I could still hear everything but it was much softer now. My eyes fixated on the desert scene while the noise faded to quiet tinged with the barely audible sound of cars on the highway at the bottom of the hill.
At that moment, it was as if I’d been snapped out of my paralyzed state. I lept back into bed and pulled the covers up to my neck, protecting myself from the unknown. I grabbed my phone from the side table and sent Scott a text, telling him what had happened. He was blown away.
This was the beginning for me. The beginning of strange noises, voices, chills, spirit I don’t know staring back at me, law enforcement, grieving parents, and scenes I could never imaging running on a loop in my head.
From 2014 to 2017—having endured a lot of emotional and verbal abuse—my intuition was the first thing to wane. (Wane in the sense that I wasn't channeling like I used to, and when I did, I was put down for it, after the initial love bomb stage where he revered what I do and who I am.) In fact, when I finally got out of the relationship, a few of the kids in spirit I had come to know said, “We’ve been waiting for you.”
Turns out, being in that position made it near impossible to channel the way I did before 2014. I was still “me,” but I was not able to fully embody who I am for a number of reasons, and he (and the abuse) served as a block—a dark wall that kept me from the other side. Looking back, it makes total sense. Why would his kind of darkness want me to have anyting to do with working in the light?!!? Just the opposite, in fact. The kicker was when I found out (and confirmed from sources close to him) about the underage girl (15) he was with while in his late 40s—ironically the same type of evil I was helping to close the book on by working on cold cases that involved predatory men and young girls. See why I lost my ability to channel the way I am now?
So much has changed, recently, in regards to my intuitive gifts. I just said to Scott the other night, it’s now on a level I’ve never experienced and I'm really grateful. Lately, I have been channeling so much more than ever before. It’s such a nice place to be, again, trusting my intuition and helping others who need to hear those messages.
This past weekend, I was at a large event and out of nowhere, I started channeling messages from my friend's loved one. The way it all happened was emotional and beautiful, but that’s not my story to tell.
This is my story to tell. Just two days earlier, I had been thinking about one of my guardian angels in sprit by the name of Jason, whom I hadn’t heard from in a while. He was the first to alert me to the abusive relationship I had chosen to dive into in 2014 saying, "this relationship is not what it seems, Kiers." I will be writing more about Jason and his mom very soon, but I can definitively say they helped save me from a life of abuse and downward spirals.
Anyhow, back to the event. I wasn’t paying attention to my phone because I was enthralled in watching the festivities of the event. I noticed the glow of my iPhone, which was strange because I normally have to enter my code to unlock it. I glanced down at the phone expecting to see the home page and I saw this:
“K, everything you are going through was laid out for you long before you were born. You will be a conduit for others….but not until you are healed or on your way….Jason”
This is a message Jason shared with me through his Mom about nine months ago. I saved it in NOTES on my phone. I was stunned to see it staring back at me. It was 22 notes down from the top. I would have had to scroll to get to it, and I hadn't even remembered I saved it there. Nor had I physically touched my phone.
Jason made that happen as a way to tell me, just minutes after channeling multiple spirit in a room full of 600 people, that I am indeed healing and ready. Well played, J—thank you!! I was finally making the connection between the uptick in messages I've been receiving lately and where I am in the process of healing from abuse.
Wouldn’t you know it, it’s been nine months since I put a stop to the abuse in my life. And nine years since that trip to Palm Springs.
Apparently, I’m ready now and I couldn’t be happier about it.
And the next time this Virgo (born 9/9) goes to Vegas, I’m putting money on nines.