It's been awhile since I've penned a blog post but for some reason (um, intuition?), I felt guided to write tonight. Like all of us, the health and well-being of my family, friends, and the world, is foremost on my mind.
I go through stages of binge-watching the news, and then conversely avoiding it at all costs. I want to know but I don't want to know. Ya know what I mean? I've been self-isolating (minus occasional walks) for eleven days. Here in Flagstaff, I was one of the first to do this among my circle. And the reason is simple—I started trusting my intuition. And listening to spirit.
On March 12th, I posted this on my Facebook page:
"Folks have asked if I’ve gotten anything intuitively (as an intuitive medium) about COVID-19. The answer is yes. I’m hearing we all have to take this very seriously. If you have lung issues, be especially careful. There are approximately 25 million asthma sufferers in the US alone. (I’m one of those asthma folks and I didn’t want to believe this was real.) It’s a big deal. Spirit is warning us. The Italians are warning us. Be calm but follow all of the instructions. We will get through this with preparedness, compassion, and a helluva lot of time alone in our homes.
*For those of you who know my story, or read my book, Jason is one of those spirits sharing these messages."
Jason warned me to pay attention. He said, "you know what's coming." And he's right. I do. In the same breath, he told me to slow down my life and concentrate on what is important to me. He said all the other stuff was a distraction. I know exactly what he means. I work three jobs right now--Mod Mom Furniture and the new Frank Lloyd Wright furniture line that we're close to launching, my job at Moonshot at NACET as a marketer, consultant, curriculum developer, keynote speaker traveling around the state, and I'm working on edits (with my agent) on my soon-to-be-published book. Frankly, I'm tired, but also grateful for these jobs.
This self-isolation took me from warp speed to snail's speed in one day. I slowed wayyyyyy down. And I started thinking about what I feel most passionate about. Yes, I'm excited about the new line of furniture but my eyes light up when I talk about telling my intuition story, and helping others who are struggling in an abusive situation and/or those who are struggling trying to figure out intuition.
Have you had the same kind of revelation? Has the quiet allowed for you to truly hear and see?
I know we'll get through this, not without loss, but we will get to the other side. In fact, the "Other Side" is telling me this. And kids on the other side are telling me we'll come together more; help one another more. That's part of the silver lining. I am hopeful that what I'm intuitively hearing about us moving a bit more in June will be what actually happens. At the same time, I'm hearing we'll be dealing with the aftermath (financial and otherwise) of this pandemic until December.
I hope that my message brings you a bit of comfort knowing that those you love who are in spirit are watching and helping. (Remember, ask them to help, either out loud or in your head. Ask specific things. They will help!)
Just like Jason did for me, they're probably telling you to slow down, too. Allow yourself to feel the things you don't feel when you're going a mile a minute. I'm taking my own advice, I promise.
Most importantly, know that we'll get through this. We will. There is an end to this pandemic.
Our loved ones in spirit are helping light the way.
FOREWARD FOR MY UPCOMING BOOK
Spending most of my adult life as a detective, private investigator, or supervising investigations, both in public service as a Detective in the NYPD, and then successively in the private sector working cases nationwide, I unconsciously developed a sixth sense or implicit intuition for reading people and uncovering the truth. While most police detectives and professional investigators I know and have worked with will not openly speak about or admit using their silent intuition to solve cases, it’s succinctly presumed by all that following our gut-feelings often makes the difference in discovering hidden evidence to solve a case, or in certain extreme circumstances, may even prove to be the decision that will inevitably save your life or that of your partner. I strongly believe that developing the ability to listen, understand, trust and then follow my intuitions has definitively made me a better detective, and quite possibly resulted in many of my greatest successes and accomplishments as a police detective, and more recently as a private investigator.
Thinking back to before we had the opportunity to speak on the phone, I remember asking myself, “What is this furniture company CEO from Arizona doing volunteering to assist on a high-profile missing persons case in Long Island, New York?” That being said, when I finally had the chance to speak to Kiersten on the phone for the first time, my intuition kicked into full gear. Much to my surprise, not long into our conversation, I realized that Kiersten was unlike any other intuitive medium I had spoken to through the years. She explained to me that she had recently discovered that she possessed certain abilities that might assist investigators in finding missing persons, and that she was simply looking to volunteer her time because she cared and just wanted to help. I eventually came to understand, as time went on and I got to know Kiersten personally, that she had truly been given a gift for helping others in this way . . . especially kids.
More precisely, what I love about Kiersten, as is illustrated in her book, is that she’s just a regular person thrown into supernatural experiences that unbeknownst to her at that time, had meaning far beyond what she could see as the events were transpiring. The belief in what we can’t see, especially as a detective looking for quantifiable, tangible evidence, is extremely difficult. However, Kiersten makes it easy to believe. In her moving story and journey, we can see that she is just like most of us; she is extremely logical and fact driven. The most amazing part of her journey is that she wasn’t looking for any of what has happened to her . . . it simply found her.
Thankfully, in writing this book, Kiersten was brave enough to share her undercover life as a reluctant medium and her amazing journey of survival and healing from abuse. After reading her book, I hope you find the same strength and fearlessness as she has and you learn to trust your own intuition. What Kiersten reveals to all of us is a hands-on roadmap for life, and as it has proven to be in my personal experience, for truth and justice as well.
NYPD Detective (ret.)
Founder / Chief Investigator
New York Private Detective Services
This past week, Goop (founded by Gwyneth Paltrow) launched a Netflix series where they explore topics that are controversial. One of the episodes explored energy healing. The other episode Scott and I watched tackled intuition. They brought in renowned psychic medium, Laura Lynn Jackson, who not only read for several Goop employees, but also taught them how to open themselves up intuitively. She’s clearly very good at channeling and I liked watching the way she worked. I could relate to how the messages came in for her.
As we watched the episode, I felt happy to see the topic covered but also sad that intuition still feels so stereotypically 'woo woo'. Even the way Gwyneth and Elise Loehnen, the Chief Content Officer for Goop, talked to Laura felt different from how they discussed energy work with John Amaral in the first episode we watched. Both praised Laura for their incredibly spot on readings; however, Scott and I both felt they were more skeptical with Laura than John.
There was less skepticism in the energy healing episode even though the topic was about invisible energy. Is it because the energy doc didn’t give off the woo woo vibe? Is it because, unlike mediumship, energy healing is physical? The hosts listened without judgement when he spoke about moving energy around while Goop staffers writhed on massage tables. Mediumship is working with energy, too, just in a different way.
As a late-in-life medium who didn’t ask for what happened to me when I suddenly started channeling messages from kids in spirit, you might be surprised to know that the woo woo world freaked me out when I was looking for answers to what was happening to me. Truth be told, it still does in many ways. I just don’t connect with it.
Now, let me explain what I mean by woo woo. The stereotype of a gypsy-like psychic medium is very much alive and, in my opinion, not doing the topic of intuition any favors in the mainstream world. To be fair, I know and love a few mediums whose personal style of dress and speak fits the stereotype. I love them for who they are—and they are incredible healers and channelers—but in the beginning of my exploration of intuition, I avoided anything and anyone that felt too out there. Growing up, I didn’t know anything about the world of intuition so naturally, I sought guidance from those who felt and looked more like me. Now, when I tell folks that I discovered (at the age of 36) that I could channel messages, they always say the same thing: “But you’re so normal.”
Nothing about what I endured when I was coming to grips with my heightened intuition was normal but I get what they mean. I look like the average Jane. And to be honest, I thought every bit of my awakening was crazy until I started getting validation from parents and detectives. In a nutshell, I was a skeptic until I was being hit over the head with stuff I couldn’t explain.
But you know what, intuition IS normal—and we all have it—but it still predominately lives in the land of woo woo.
To its credit, Goop stepped out on the ledge to produce a series about out of bounds topics. I'm sure they are getting gutted in the press. I personally think they did a good job of boosting credibility by including Dr. Julie Beischel, a researcher who is studying life after death and finding scientific ways to prove that mediumship is real. But even still, I don’t think there’s enough info out there about how it all works. Intuition is not one size fits all.
For example, I would fail Dr. Beischel test miserably and not because I’m not good at channeling, but simply because it doesn’t work that way for me. I do not read for people—I simply share messages that come to me. For me, there is no sitter next to me wanting to hear from a loved one. I simply channel kids (and sometimes adults) in spirit who have messages to pass. Mostly, I pass messages to families and trusted law enforcement officers that involve sexual abuse. You see, I’m a sexual abuse survivor, too. I’m a safe place for these kids to come because I’ve lived it. It seems to be what I’m here to channel. For the most part, I channel children I don’t know who were murdered, died tragically, and/or endured sexual abuse in their lifetimes.
I'm the first to admit I don't know exactly how it works. I just don't and I've accepted that.
It’s not light, happy work but it’s something I chose not to ignore. And believe me, I had a choice to ignore it. I have successfully ignored my intuition to my detriment many times in my life. In this case, after realizing that what was happening was indeed real, I knew I had to pass the messages even though it was/is scary, heart wrenching, and not something I sought out.
I hope, over the next ten years, we see more programs like Goop’s series, but I also hope that all of us out there who are doing this work (in all of our various ways) can move the mainstream needle a bit. I know plenty of people who are highly intuitive who are scared to talk about it. I don't blame them. If we can change the perception of what it means to be intuitive, people might just start trusting their inner compass more. And, people like me, won't feel like we have to dive into the deep end of woo woo to understand what it means to be intuitive.
"But he seems so nice and caring?"
Yeah, well, so did Ted Bundy.
When will we collectively finally realize that some of the most abusive, predatory people in the world are simply playing a role for the masses even though they may seem "nice" on social media or in person? It's crazy to me to think that we, as a whole, STILL believe that the "bad guy" looks like a bad guy.
Now, with that said, I'm guilty of it, too. I have been known to judge a book by its cover despite the fact that my childhood abuser is good looking, charming, and funny. And my ex fits the same bill plus add a dash of Svengali.
Predators—both male and female—are the best actors in the world. Most are extremely likable with the uncanny ability to sniff out vulnerability and deep wounds in their prey. They are masters at pulling people into their circle.
Here are a few things I've learned about predators over the years:
So how do you know if you're dealing with a predator?
Pay attention to your gut feelings about a person and don't naively believe what they are sharing on social media or in person. Trust your intuition and the physical signs that help you recognize intuitive hits. The kick in the gut feeling is one of the biggest clues that someone is stealing your power/deceiving you. And if you venture into a relationship with someone who fits the bill, do your homework. Ask around and/or do a background check to ensure there are no restraining orders on the report.
Predators know what they're doing and how to do it—even if they look nice.
For more on the subject, check out:
As many of you know, I just finished writing a book about my journey from 2009-now. It's definitely a stranger-than-fiction tale but here's the thing -- it's all real. In fact, it was too real for me back when my intuition hit me over the head. I was terrified and didn't see the whole picture then, but I do now. And I wanted to share how intuition helped me survive and heal from childhood and narcissistic abuse.
I thought I'd share a bit of Chapter 2 where I share what happened when one amazing kid named Nate Pannell came into my life.
If you are looking for proof that intuition is real, check out this excerpt....
CHAPTER 2 – NATE & CARRIE
“Mom, do you remember the Pannell family in Defiance?” I asked while talking on the phone one day in 2010, the year my intuition kicked into high gear.
“Sure, I do—John and Denise, right? They graduated a couple years before you.”
“Yeah, they did. I don’t really know them but we are friends on Facebook. The strangest thing happened when I was mindlessly reading the feed today—I started to recognize that their son, who has apparently passed on, was in the kitchen with me.”
Silence filled the space where she was supposed to be thoughtfully commenting. I didn’t blame her. It’s a shocking statement to hear and this was all new to my parents. I’d been grappling with it all in the comfort of my own home with Scott and the kids, but this was a leap I hadn’t taken yet. I was telling my parents I was sensing things that maybe weren’t there. Crazy things that they didn’t have any experience with at all. The fear of judgment and ridicule was consuming me but I didn’t stop.
I went on to explain to my mom what I’d been dealing with for some time now and how messages from what could only be described as spirit were somehow being made known to me. And now, it was starting to happen when I scanned the Facebook feed. She listened supportively, not really knowing what to say as I continued relaying what happened that day.
I told her that while I was looking at photos of a memorial held for Nate, I heard his voice and saw flashes of scenes that he wanted to talk about. I felt him around me more than saw him as an apparition but one thing was clear—he was ready to talk. When I first started to recognize he was there wanting to communicate, I experienced chills up and down my body. I noticed they were predominantly on the left side of my body and made note of that, too.
I picked up my new tarot card deck for backup because I really had no idea what I was doing. I thought maybe somehow the cards would help. I was encouraged by my Reiki instructors to play around with tarot because it was a visual representation of what comes in intuitively. Truth be told, I wasn’t sure what I believed but I thought it was worth a shot. I pulled three cards and shockingly was able to finish deciphering the last message Nate was trying to share. It was for his brother. After I made sure I had all of the messages written down, he pled with me to pass them to his parents.
I sat frozen in my chair thinking about what just happened. The last thing I wanted to do was reach out to grieving parents who may or may not be receptive to me. Their family had been through so much already. What if I was wrong and none of it was real? What if they saw me as someone trying to somehow take advantage of their situation? I wasn’t asking for money or anything, of course, but still. I don’t know how I’d react if someone reached out to me this way. Finally, I rose from my chair knowing I needed time to think about all of it and bee-lined it for our bedroom. Sitting on the edge of the bed with my notes in hand, I knew I had a choice to make. For now, it was to hide what had happened and go about life as normal. Normal was easier.
After a minute or two of contemplation, I swiftly opened the front drawer of my bedside table and stuffed the messages inside. I knew I needed time, so I waited to be filled with courage and knowledge that what Nate was asking me to do was the right thing.
The courage came two days later in the form of a very quiet, calm knowing when I least expected it. I wasn’t even thinking about Nate until, out of the blue, peace came over me. I was still terrified but deep down I knew I had to try. Even if they slammed the proverbial door in my face. Even if I was going to be the laughing stock of my hometown after word got around. I gently pulled the paper filled with Nate’s messages out of the drawer and crafted a quick introductory message to his mom, Denise. I nervously hit the send button hoping that I was doing the right thing. And it was indeed exactly what was meant to happen.
It was the right thing. Denise responded kindly which started a back-and-forth exchange leading to a phone call and later on, an in-person meeting.
About a year after I shared Nate’s messages with his family, I asked John if he wouldn’t mind writing what the experience was like for them. He told me he would be happy to write it up.
A week or so later, John shared his account of their experience with me via email. As I read it, my jaw hit the floor. I had no idea the impact it made on his entire family. I knew from sitting with them that they greatly appreciated that I reached out to them, but I didn’t fully grasp how much it shaped the course of their lives.
I was in tears reading about the healing that Nate had facilitated from the other side. Of course, I knew what the whole experience did for me and I’m eternally grateful. Nate and his beautiful family helped me understand that what I was experiencing wasn’t just my imagination. It was very real and very important for all of us. I just had to have the courage to trust.
Written by John Pannell, Nate’s Dad:
"Almost four years ago, I was just surviving being a bereaved parent of a
child that has passed away. It was a daily struggle getting through a day without a total meltdown and the overwhelming feeling that I didn't want to live the rest of my life in the role of a grieving parent. It was in the midst of one of my many meltdowns that I remember my wife coming upstairs, in tears, telling me she got a message from Nate, our son that had passed away at the age of 13 from an AVM. I tried to listen to what she was trying to tell me, but it seemed Greek to me because I couldn't get past my own doubt in what had happened. She tells me that she got an email message from this lady in California about how strange it may seem, but she thinks she has a message for us from our son. If we were willing, we could give her a call.
Denise called her and spoke for almost an hour. Denise was trying to relay the information from the four pages of notes she took while Kiersten talked. The only comfort this brought to me was that for the first time since Nate's death, I had seen tears of joy versus tears of sorrow. Denise and Kiersten had kept in contact, I kept my distance. One day, I remember Denise telling me that Kiersten was going to be in the area and wanted to meet with us.
Out of obligation to Denise, growing skepticism, and just a dash of curiosity, I agreed to meet with Kiersten. My anxiety level that day was extremely high. I remember when Kiersten showed up at our house and sat down with us at dining room table. It was my wife, our younger son, Jack, my wife's aunt Sally, Kiersten, and myself. There was a lot of small talk and I listened intently trying to find what the catch was. Over the next three and a half hours, what I got were answers, hope, and explanations. I had questions to authenticity as to who Kiersten was and what were her motives were. I found Kiersten to be one of the most genuine persons I have had the pleasure of meeting. She spoke from the heart. She relayed to us information as it was interpreted by her. What I found was she spoke with a gift. Her heart was pure. Her interpretation spot on. She offered validation that was unquestionably accurate. She gave us peace knowing that our son was fine. Kiersten taught me that events that occur are not just coincidence.
Kiersten opened up a form of communication between my son and I that allowed me to go from being a grieving parent just existing to being a bereaved parent that is allowed to live. She has helped us by being a conduit for question and answer sessions, she has taught us what it means to look for the hidden meaning, most importantly, she gave us our youngest son back. You see, until that time, there wasn't much communication between him and his mother and me. I know a large amount of time that first night meeting Kiersten, she spent talking with Jack. I have never asked either one what exactly was said, but I can say whatever it was, it made a difference in a young man's life.
Meeting Kiersten and being open to her gift has not taken away the fact that we lost our oldest son. That is something we live with every day. Having Kiersten reaching out to us, opening herself up to us, putting it all out there, all for us and never asking for anything in return, has given us peace.
Kiersten, I know that my statement doesn't even start to do justice to what you have given us."
-- John Pannell
Nate has his own page on my website here.